Take · Me · Back · To · Wonderland...

I just thought I'd post and tell people out there how I'm doing.

I'm alive, and doing pretty well. If anybody wants to hang out or anything just call me or send me a text.

Love and Best Wishes from Wonderland,
Alice

So, I think I'm going in tomorrow. I migh wait until later this week but it needs to be done. Things are getting worse and it's more than I can handle. I wake up, take pills, go back to bed for a bit, wake up, argue/cry/read, usually fall back asleep, listen to music while reading, then take more pills, maybe watch a movie, then go to sleep. I don't have much in life that I feel is worh waking up to right now. I go to Hat's on Mondays and Fridays and sometimes Cherri comes over on Wednesday and/or Friday nights but that's it. I'm sick of the same thing over and over that just makes me worse. Its bad when you resort to old habits and don't notice that you've done it until hours later when you "wake up." So, yeah, I needs help and that might be the only way to do so.

So, if there are people out there that could be of support, I know you have my number, or a way to get it. If you would, please do. Thanks.

Love and Best Wishes from Wonderland,
Alice

Picture-perfect non belligerence
Narcissistic Drama queen
Craving fame and all this decadence

Sometimes, I honestly wonder if you can start to feel that you're losing your mind before it actually happens. Like you can actually start to feel it leaking out your ear before you wake up one morning and it's gone. Is it healthy to miss something so much? Is it okay to have your heart longing for something you feel you won't ever have back?

Sometimes I miss being so innocent and carefree. I might have to go away for a while and try to find a way to make myself right again.

Take me away to an open field,
Embrace me under our stars,
And drown me in your bittersweet kisses,
Touch me like you can't show emotion any other way.
Bring me back to the world we shared,
With hot summers and pools,
Of playful thoughts and things to be tried.
Take me back to where you loved me,
And told me you'd hold me until everything died.
Pull me back into our world we once had,
Pull me back under the blankets covered in fur,
Put my head back on a pillow damp from your hair.
You haunt my dreams,
But in a sweet sense.
Why do I miss some things so much?
Choices that fucking HAUNT me to this day,
One sweet, final kiss,
So long overdue.

Your Halo's Slippin' Down To Choke You Now,
Alice <3

Every time I feel the craving for that specific soda, I think of you...
I wish you still had my bracelet...
If you ever forget me I'll kill you.

Today I was failed by another birthday. I wonder why I care anymore.

P.S. 18 ain't shit.

Sometimes, you hear exactly what you want or need to hear right when you need to hear it. Sometimes it’s a bit too late. Sometimes that bit is years. You hear those words, the perfect ones that jog your memory so perfectly it feels so right, so cozy so sweet and true. But sometimes it’s too late. Someone who you’ve lost over time and space and life, someone calls your name so sweetly, so gently, so carefree, it makes the feelings inside you that you packed away somewhere tight in a box, filed them away, left them on the road when the journey ended, even forgotten, come swimming up out of places you forgot were accessible by anything other than sheer meaningful remembrance. A series of words jogs your memory as if you had never forgotten the time and place they were from. Someone who once had their own set of feelings and beliefs and needs sometimes even their own odd mannerisms and languages that could only be expressed by actually feeling them and listening to not tone or pronunciation but the actual feelings that made the sounds. The time and place, sometimes even the situation when they were delivered. Sometimes someone brings up an old memory that brings back the steps to a dance you thought you threw away years ago when you promised yourself you had given up and moved on when you stumbled over your own feet for the last time.
Sometimes time can do funny things to those memories, those words whispered so easily and truly, those steps and mannerisms you shoes to give up for a healthier mind frame. Sometimes time will rust them, sometimes it will leave them as they were. Sometimes it can brighten them, like a polish used on an old, worn pair of boots once loved and thrown in a closet after a replacement was sought and embraced. Sometimes, it seems best if time were like a patina on your grandmother’s old picture frames. Sometimes we tell ourselves, convince ourselves, and even promise ourselves that we’ll forget those memories, lock them away, and never notice that they’re there again. Sometimes though, they are brought up, they surface and help us remember why we forgot them.
So, when they are brought up, what are we to do? Do we embrace them; even welcome them back to life, back into consciousness, and the active part of our mind? Do we allow it to come up and become part of our current situation? Do we let it possibly change current that we have going, be they good or bad. Do we give it the possibility to alter the good things in our life negatively? Do we give them the chance to alter the bad things positively? Do we even give them a real chance of hitting our conscious mind before shoving them back down into that hole? Do we bring them up to anyone, let alone the person who brought them up the memories and feelings? Do we try to live through life day after day, night after night, these feelings, memories, and thoughts being in our dreams and whatever level of conscious thought we allow them to be in? Do we lead our day-to-day lives as if it never came up, as if we never heard the whispered words and whoever brought them up? Should we even give them as much time of day as I have already? So many questions that have so many possibilities and so many different twists and turns.

Within mere moments of waking today, I noticed today would be the worst day of my life. And so far, it has been just that. It's sad when things like this make you realize all the mistakes of your past. They make you think of all the little promises you've broken to yourself and so many other over the years. I never wanted this to happen, yet today one of my biggest fears became reality.

So...I got married today.

That's all. Have a great day.

Love and Best Wishes from Wonderland,
Alice

F YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool..

1. Opening Credits:
"Radio/Video" System of a Down
2. Waking Up:
"I Walk The Line" Johnny Cash
3. First day of school:
"We're In This Together" Nine Inch Nails
4. Falling In Love:
"Broken Drum" Beck
5. Fight Song:
"Intermission" Tool
6. Breaking Up:
"Death Of It All" Rob Zombie
7. Prom:
"Honest Mistake" The Bravery
8. Friends:
"n Your Sea" The Get Up Kids
9. Driving:
"Tracy" Mogwai
10. Flashback:
"Silicon World" Eiffel 65
11. Getting Back Together:
"You'll Accomp'ny Me" Bob Seger
12. Losing Your Virginity:
"Holy Roman" The Get Up Kids
13. Wedding:
"You Make Me Wanna" Usher
14. Birth of a Child:
"Wake Up" The Arcade Fire
15. Final Battle:
"17 Year Locust" Rob Zombie
16. Funeral Song:
"Darkangel (Azrael)" VNV Nation
17. End Credits:
"Christmas Steps" Mogwai

So, I've been in the hospital since Monday night...I'm better now but I found out some new things about myself. I'm taking some new medications for some things and they seem to be working so far.

Yeah...so life. I need to find a job...and finish school...but don't we all...

Oh, and theoretically Tool is not post-phoned in Tucson so I'm happy.

'Why am I on your friends' list?

A)Comment, then post this in your journal and see what people say about you.

B) If you comment...
1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

So yeah, I got a new tattoo...it hurt like fuck but I love it. I got it done by a guy named Levi at The Tattoo Shop on Speedway and Craycroft. I love it. I go back in two weeks to get colour added to it.

Anywho, I hope everyone had a great Christmas and will have a great New Year's.

I'd just like to say goodbye to Sahuaro. It's been an interesting three and a half years, but it's time for me to move on. I won't be back next semester, I'm moving over to Compass so that I can graduate early and be able to work more. I'm sick of the drama and the memories at Sahuaro. It's sad when I can walk down the halls and remember things that happened in nearly every room of that school. I'm tired of all the emotional attachment I have to them all. Some of those memories I'm going to hold on to as long as I can in hopes of remembering good times when things were fun and mostly worth while. There are others that I'm going to pray that I can forget and push somewhere into my head that I'll never re-visit. Anywho, so I'd just like to thank everyone for everything they have done that has helped me become who I am today. Goodbye to my friends, goodbye to those who think they're my enemies, goodbye to everyone that I used to be friends with, and goodbye to all the people that I didn't have the chance to get to know. I'll come and visit, so it's not like I'll forget anyone.

Here's to everything that's happened and everything that's yet to come.

Merry Christmas and Happy (late) Hanukkah. And have a wonderful New Year's. If anyone knows of any big parties or anything, drop me a line or a call (whichever) and hello to the New Year.

Love and Best Wishes from Wonderland,
Alice <3

Step 1: Put your iPod or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING

1.My story starts the day they said "she can't be found"...

2.I go outside and I get all kinds of funny...

3.Passive fields. January two thousand and twelve...

4.Everyday I think about what you did...

5.I've got another confession to make...

6.There are days when I fear for my life...

7.I woke up this morning with a bad hangover...

8.Dust Begins to fall to the ground...

9.Yeah I am the super eye a blackened dream a golden eye...

10.Lying all alone and restless unable to lose this image

11.Stop, drop, shut 'em down, open up shop...

12.If it keeps on raining, the levee's going to break...

13.Prison gates won’t open up for me...

14.I, I’m driving black on black

15.Am I alone in here...

16.With big guns and big ambitions...

17.Just take those old records off the shelf...

18.To the man looking back at me...

19.When you're taught through feelings...

20.My cock is much bigger than yours...

Love and Best Wishes from Wonderland,
~Alice

P.S. My Hamsters had babies!! If interested, I might be giving them away/selling them...call me 312-5298...They're little Russian Dwarf Hamsters, they're really nice, they stay small, and they're easier to take care of than regular hamsters. Plus, they're amazingly cute!

So, Halloween came around and I spent the day at school, came home, passed out, and woke up next to a single red rose on my bed next to me. Then we went to Subway, waiting for Larry to get off work. From there we proceeded to go to Broadway and had a really nice dinner with Larry and Stacy. We came home and out of nowhere, Joe grabs me and pulls me in close and starts saying, "Baby, I love you more than anything in the world. And I mean it when I say I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're the perfect one for me. Will you marry me?" I shook my head and started crying instantly. That night has so far been the best night of my life. I've waited for so long for that day to come, where the one that I love more than anything shows me that he's willing to commit himself to me for the rest of his life. I'm so excited and so happy I wish I could find the words to describe my emotions correctly and to their fullest extent.

I hope everyone else had a wonderful Halloween.

Love and Best Wishes From Wonderland,
Alice <3

It took so long to remember just what happened.
I was so young and vestal then,
you know it hurt me,
but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
I've got my hands bound,
and my head down, and my eyes closed,
my throats wide open.

I do unto others what has been done to me
Do unto others what has been done to you

I'm treading water,
I need to sleep a while.
My lamb and martyr,
you look so precious.
Wont you, won't you come a bit closer,
close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this,
I can't stand to burn too long.
Released in this sodomy.
For one sweet moment I am whole.

You're breathing so I guess you're still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
Won't you, wont you come just a bit closer,
close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this.
I need this to make me whole.
There's release in this sodomy.
For I am your witness that
blood and flesh can be trusted.
I am your witness that
blood and flesh can be trusted
And only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind.

Got your hands bound, your head down,
and your eyes closed.
You look so precious now.

I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this
shit blood and cum on my hands.

I've come round full circle.
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon.

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed
Will set two lovers' souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
Testing our communication
The light that feuled our fire then
Has a burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end
Crippling our communication

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
It doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other
Watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together
Rediscover communication

The poetry
That comes from the squaring off between
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit
But I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know
The dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
And strengthen our communication

Cold silence has
A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed brothers
Between supposed lovers

I’ll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son
They're one in the same, I must isolate you…
Isolate and save you from yourself …

I remembered an old promise the other night because of a triggered memory at registration. Too bad my intentions were recieved incorrectly. Whatever, the past is the past and I'm moving on.

I've reached a point in my life where I'm happy with me. I woke up this morning next to him and smiled. Then remembered what happened last night and wished it could happen everynight. Soon enough I'll be living with him and I'll be happy. I never knew love could be so intoxicating.

I hope all of the couples are doing well in their relationships. To everyone else, I hope you find someone who can make you as happy as he makes me.

By the way, I'm quitting Magic for good, I have no ties to it anymore and looking at Landstill makes me want to scream. I'm selling the remainder of my collection, if interested, call, IM, text, or e-mail (DarkTowerDestiny19@yahoo.com). That's out there for all Magic players, regardless of what you think I feel towards you.

Love and Best Wishes from Wonderland,
Alice <3

So, Gerry and I broke up on the 4th if you guys didn't already know. I guess there were some things that made this breakup a bit easier than the one with Josh, this I'm thankful for. I'm not really going to go into details. If you want you can call/text/ get ahold of me somehow or if you want his side, just go read his journal.

I'm dating a guy named Joe now. Most of you would think of him as "the type of guy you expect me to date" and I won't lie and say that he's not. He is amazing though. I've noticed that it is a good thing in a relationship when you do have quite a few things in common. It's really nice. I'm not saying I haven't had common interests with people I've dated in the past, but we hardly have any conflicting interests which makes things a lot of fun and a lot easier than they have been in past relationships. We might be moving in with my friends Leah and Jeff around October, depending on how things go.

I've decided to tell the military to fuck off. It's not what I want/need in my life. Plus I made a promise. If the draft happens after I turn 18, oh fucking well, I'll have to deal with it and my god damn ASVAB scores.

Jow got his tongue pierced tonight. I think it'll be fun to finally kiss someone who has their tongue pierced too since I've never had the opportunity before.

I'm excited about a lot of things. My birthday party is on the 15th. My birthday follows on the 26th. I think it'll be fun to taste 17. Oh, and apparently Joe has a surprise for me on my birthday. I'm excited for that too. I'm also very curious.

Love and Best Wishes from Wonderland,

Alice<3

I looked at a lot of the things I've been through the other night. At first it scared me that at my young age I've been through so much and somehow survived it all. My mom has told me all my life that I'm a very strong person and that I can make it through anything I truly want to but it never really hit me that she might be right. I've survived getting abused mentally, sexually, physically, and verbally. I've dealt with drugs and addictions, both my own and those of friends and family. I went through divorce at a young age. I saw my father change girlfriends every three months and beat them while drinking and doing drugs the entire time. I've seen my father convicted of felonies and put in prison for nearly six years due to it all. I've made it through being raped more times than I'd willingly admit to. I've been molested by people that I thought would never do anything to hurt me. I've watched my mom go through different boyfriends like changes of underwear. I've watched people go in and out of rehab and done so myself. I've watched people come and go in the military and seen how it affects their friends and family. I've moved more times than I care to think about. I've been through bad relationships, one night stands, nights where I didn't know who I was, nights where I didn't know who my best friend was, nights where all I wanted to do was be with someone in particular, and nights where I didn't even want to be alive. I've fought with eating disorders. I've fought with addiction and habits. I've fought mental disorders and counseling. I've fought with low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and so many other low things that shouldn't be that way. I've fought with the law, friends, family, total strangers, but most of all myself. I've changed a lot through the years, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but somehow I'm still here. I'm not exactly sure how I've made it to where I am today but I know that part of it's because of friends that care, family that cares (what parts of it that have cared and might still be there to care), and the love that I've found from people who I've been able to trust and get close enough to that I'm able to confide things in. There are some people that know things about me that I'd never tell to anyone else, and I'm happy that I have those people. I'm curious to see what I'm going to be like in five years. I'm wondering if I'm going to be anything like the me I am now. Hell, seeing me after I graduate high school will be a change I'm sure. My junior year changed me a lot. It caused/helped me to make quite a few life changing decisions most of them for the better, one or two for the not so great. They say that your junior year is your best year but I'm not entirely sure about that. Come see me this time next year and I'll let you know my opinion. In just about a month I'll be seventeen, freedom is coming closer and it's exciting and of course frightening. There are still some things I'm going through and I'm aware that this is just the beginning. Soyez préparé parce que le demain est ici. Bonne nuit mon amour, puits de sommeil. Je t'amie.

Love and Best Wishes From Wonderland,
Alice <3

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I happen to see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right

And I would walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
You know everything is alright

Anywho, I got a job at Petsmart. The one on Broadway and Pantano...come see me...or I'll know you hate me. And I'd love you if you bought a small animal that wasn't a bird or a hamster that bites...and no fish please...I'm up to my armpits in fish water at least 5 times a week...Money will be nice again. I bring in more money than my mom does, how amazing is that?

Hey, maybe at this rate I'll have the money to get my tattoo done...Anyone think that 17 is too young to get a tattoo? Actually, can I just have some input on this matter? Thanks...

Should I just put more holes in my body instead of the tattoo? Gah...thoughts again please.